


Ornithorhynchus Anatinus

by universityofwhales



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crack, Platypus, how do you make babies, they drank their dumbass juice this morning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2020-04-05 20:05:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19047442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/universityofwhales/pseuds/universityofwhales
Summary: The boys don't know what a platypus is, and at this point, they're too afraid to ask





	Ornithorhynchus Anatinus

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, this is really silly.

"What. The hell. Is that."

It wasn't a question. In Crowley's language, this was a signal for Aziraphale to start explaining what was going on in front of them. Or in this case, to explain the creature sitting by the ducks at their usual spot in the park. The ducks didn't seem to recognize this beast either, even the more extroverted ones seemed to keep a safe distance away from it. Tail of a beaver, feet like an otter's. Walked on all fours, low to the ground. Looked like it was covered in brown fur, too.

"I was hoping you would know." Aziraphale said, fixing his eyes on the animal as it basked in the sun. "I figured it would have been one of yours, given how...chaotic it looks."

Crowley scoffed. "Nah, I'm too creative to just throw a bunch of parts together, give it to the boss and call it a day. Gotta have a little pride in my work."

"Well, it's not me. I would have remembered something like this." Aziraphale frowned as he leaned forward, staring at the creature with studious intent. He pursed his lips. "Looks like a child's art project gone horribly wrong."

"A taxidermist decided to mess around with random animal corpses and then brought it to life. Like Frankenstein."

"But Dr. Frankenstein only created human life."

"Why can't you do the same with animals?"

"It would be shocking, wouldn't it?" Aziraphale stood up and looked to Crowley. "I mean, imagine if you lived your entire life as a beaver and you woke up the next morning with a duck bill."

"I've seen you as a dove, though. And you get along just fine, by the look of things."

"Well, first of all, it's a beak. Not a bill."

"They're both birds, does it matter?"

"And second," Aziraphale skipped ahead, "imagine the existential crisis that poor creature would be having when it looked in the mirror and saw this big THING staring back at it."

"It wouldn't know it was itself, angel. They don't understand mirrors."

"What about dolphins? Can't they recognize themselves in the mirror?"

"Dolphins are the exception." Crowley searched his brain for a moment. Aziraphale thought too, imagining the strange creature lying on the grass waking up in the morning and pacing around wherever its home was. It didn't know what it looked like, did it? Probably gone its whole life not knowing what it was. And even if it did, would it realize how strange it looked?

"Dolphins have sex for fun, did you know that?"

The statement washed over Aziraphale like tar. He blinked, looking to the offender who would dare give him this useless information. "They...what?"

"You know," Crowley continued, oblivious to Aziraphale's confused gaze. "They'll just jerk each other off like it's nothing. And they'll even have sex with other species of dolphins just because they feel like it."

"Uh huh." At this point, Aziraphale was doing his damnedest to figure out why he was being told this and what it had to do with the creature rolling around on the grass.

"My point is. If dolphins can have jerk circles," he gestured to their guest, "Then beavers could be born with duck bills if conditions are right."

This was giving Aziraphale a headache. "You're not suggesting a beaver and a duck had...intercourse."

"Horses and donkeys do it all the time."

"Beavers and ducks are too different to have babies, Crowley!"

"And how do you know that?"

"Well, their DNA, it's. It's. Too different!"

"If you put a chihuahua and a St. Bernard in a room together, they could make puppies."

"That's because they're both dogs, Crowley! Beavers and ducks are from different families, they could never reproduce, even if they did have intercourse!" This was Aziraphale's life now. Yelling about animals fucking and getting way too passionate about proving himself right. He was getting some looks from random passersby now, some of them stopping to take a look at the strange creature napping in the sun as well. And they started conversations of their own.

"Isn't that a platypus? Why is there one here?"

"Oh, you know what? I heard on the news today that the zoo had a platypus escape. Must've found its way here."

"We should give them a call, eh?"

And so on and so forth. Finally, noticing how much attention they were getting, Aziraphale shut his mouth and looked out to the water. The sun was shining down in such a perfect way that sparkles seemed to dance among the surface. It was almost enough to ignore Crowley inching closer to Aziraphale's ear and mumbling.

"Do you think dolphins would get it on with whales?"

"My dear, please forgive me for saying this."

"What?"

"Shut up."


End file.
